Aggressive Behaviour In A Negotiation
Put your hand up if you’ve ever had to deal with aggressive behaviour in a negotiation.
Well, it’s no surprise is it? For some people, negotiation can be a tremendously stressful experience, leading to “amygdala hijack” and rational behaviour being slung out of the window.
Shouting, personal insults, swearing and threats, all tick the “aggressive behaviour” box.
Let’s explore why this might happen and importantly, what are the practical things you can do to deal with it if it happens to you.
Before we go any further, can we agree on the belief that remaining in control of your emotions and maintaining a laser-like focus on your negotiation objectives, is the way to get a better outcome when you’re on the receiving end of shabby behaviour from your counterpart?
Yes? Good, we’re aligned.
So, why would your counterpart stoop to using aggressive behaviour?
Chris Voss (the “Never Split The Difference” author) says there are 3 reasons:
· The other side is under pressure – maybe they’re unprepared, they’ve been given an impossible goal to accomplish, or they’re going to be fired if they don’t get what they’ve been tasked to get from you.
· They feel that you’re not listening to them / haven’t been heard – this is a basic human need, so if they feel ignored or rejected, their frustration can evoke an aggressive response.
· They’re trying to manipulate you – if they’ve used this tactic successfully in the past, they’re reverting to a trusty crutch, or they think you’re a pushover and they can bully you into submission. It’s designed to knock you off balance.
I think there could be some other reasons, too:
· They are genuinely irrational – quite unusual, but we can hastily give people this label if we haven’t probed their motives effectively;
· They don’t trust you or your company;
· Their ego is huge - and they’ve brought it to your negotiation.
OK, so now we understand the “why”, what about your options to deal with this?
1. Pre-emptive action – if you sense that what you’re about to say will extract a likely “lively” response from your counterpart, you can take the sting out of it by broadcasting, in advance, how they might feel after what you’re about to say – “what I’m about to say is awful. It’ll make you really mad at me” – this gives them fair warning and prepares them for receiving a message that they probably won’t want to hear.
2. Ignore it – just carry on with the point you were making as if nothing happened. This approach is one of my favourites for its simplicity and effectiveness. Plus, you get to take your position atop the moral high ground.
3. Keep calm and listen – let the other side vent their anger, while you reserve judgement (never attacking their ego to prevent loss of face) and listen intently. When they’ve unloaded their issues and know they’ve been heard by you, their aggression will dissipate.
4. Ask questions – there could be hidden constraints or interests that lie behind their behaviour. Your challenge is to explore what these might be, demonstrating your interest in the other party, building trust (use together with #3).
5. Label the behaviour – “It feels like you’re angry at me”, “It seems like you’re under a lot of pressure”, “It sounds like what I said has upset you.” This is a great way to get the other side to open-up, vent, provide you with more information and ultimately calm right down.
6. Humour – depending on your relationship with your counterpart, this can be very effective to diffuse any tension / poor behaviour eg “C’mon Bob, should I be videoing this performance for training purposes?” After which, you both fall about laughing and normal relations can continue.
7. Adjourn – good way to reset discussions, whether that’s a few minutes break, a day or a week. “It feels like we’re not making as much progress as we both might like, so I suggest we pause the discussion”. This is probably a more sustainable option than “throwing all your toys out of your pram”. The challenge here is to maintain the relationship in such a way that having a follow-up meeting after the adjournment is still viable.
8. Threaten to escalate – advise your counterpart that you find their behaviour objectionable and threaten to escalate the matter to their boss, unless they revert to their pleasant former selves.
There you have it. Some insights into why people might behave aggressively in a negotiation and practical tips on how you can handle it.
There’s no magic combination of coping strategies, so why not try the ones that you feel most comfortable with?
The silver lining to all this is, if it ever happens to you, you’re going to have a great story to tell your colleagues!
