Most leaders believe they’re already persuasive.
I get it… You speak clearly, you’re credible, and on most days, people even appear to listen. So far, so good!
And yet, decisions still stall, don’t they? A perfectly reasonable idea dies in a meeting that it should have survived. I’ve watched it happen everywhere, time and time again.
That’s the clue.
Because persuasion isn’t about using big words, seniority, or talking very loudly.
It’s about understanding how people actually make decisions, and working with that reality, not against it.
That’s where ethical persuasion lives.
If you want to see what happens when persuasion goes wrong on the inside of people’s heads (and inboxes), I take a deeper look in The Dark Side of Persuasion (And Why Ethics Matter), but let’s start with the positive side of the ledger here.
Ethical persuasion isn’t ‘soft’. It’s precise.
Say the word ‘persuasion’ and half the room immediately pictures manipulation, pressure, or the emotional equivalent of being sold a gym membership on January 2nd.
That’s not persuasion, that’s just bad behaviour.
Ethical persuasion reduces resistance, frames decisions properly, and helps people move forward without pressure or post-decision guilt. It’s less ‘convince them at all costs’ and more ‘help them see the decision clearly enough to commit with confidence’.
Importantly, it’s not a personality trait. It’s a set of principles and practical tools. You can learn it, refine it, and use it across emails, meetings, negotiations, and everyday conversations. I unpack some of these tools in more detail in 7 Persuasion Techniques That Really Work if you’d like specific, real-world examples.
When it’s done well, it feels calm and considered. Almost obvious, in hindsight. People walk away thinking, ‘That just made sense’, rather than, ‘How did I end up agreeing to that?’
Which is why the best persuaders rarely look like they’re doing anything at all. (Annoying, right?)
Why ethical persuasion matters now more than ever
Back in the day (imagine Grandpa Simpson here), leaders could rely on authority.
Job titles carried weight. People complied, or at least appeared to.
That world, much like 28-episode TV show seasons, is gone.
Today, people expect to be involved. They want transparency. They’re comparing notes in group chats and asking ‘why’ out loud. And they’re far quicker to pull back when something feels forced or artificial.
Hybrid work, cross-functional teams, flatter structures, and increased scrutiny have all made one thing obvious: you can’t simply tell people and expect movement. You have to influence them in a way that holds up when they talk to their manager, peers, or their own team afterwards.
In that environment, pressure backfires.
Short-term compliance turns into long-term resistance.
It’s not about “push”, but “pulling” people towards you.
Ethical persuasion gives leaders a way to move decisions forward without burning trust, goodwill, or patience. It’s a way of saying, ‘Here’s the real picture, here are the trade-offs, and here’s why this path makes sense’, without theatrics.
It’s not about being nicer. It’s about being smarter and more sustainable in how you influence.
If you’d like to see how that plays out in different contexts like emails, reports, and proposals, I share concrete examples in Persuasion in Action – Writing, Negotiation, and Sales.
Where even smart leaders go wrong
(Mostly) Nobody wakes up and thinks, ‘Right, I’ll be a quiet manipulator today’.
It’s not about bad intent. The real problem is instinct.
Everybody assumes persuasion is something you’re born with. Like rhythm, or the ability to fold a fitted sheet (I am in neither category).
But instinct is unreliable, especially under pressure.
Common slip-ups tend to look like this:
- Explaining more, when clarity is the issue
- Pushing harder when autonomy is the blocker
- Relying on logic alone when the decision is emotional
- Treating influence as a personality trait, rather than a skill
None of these are dramatic errors. They’re subtle (like realising halfway through your story that nobody asked about your weekend in the first place).
And that’s why they persist.
A classic example: someone goes into a high-stakes conversation thinking, ‘If I just show them the data, they’ll see it’. Twenty minutes, eight charts, and a mild headache later, everyone is more informed, but no closer to a decision.
The gap wasn’t information. It was influence.
What ethical persuasion is not
Let’s quickly bust some myths, because confusion here causes most of the damage.
Ethical persuasion is not about clever tricks.
It’s not about saying the ‘right words’ at the right time.
And it’s definitely not about nudging people into decisions they’ll later regret.
If persuasion relies on pressure, artificial urgency, or withholding information, it may work once, but it won’t work for long.
We’ve all seen versions of this:
- The ‘last chance’ offer that mysteriously reappears every month
- The change program that oversells benefits and underplays the cost
- The negotiation where one side ‘wins’ the numbers but loses the relationship
That kind of influence isn’t just ethically questionable; it’s commercially short-sighted. People remember how they felt, not just what they agreed to.
Ethical influence leaves the other person feeling informed, respected, and still willing to answer your calls.
How people really make decisions
Here’s something leadership development often forgets:
People don’t decide rationally and then act.
They decide emotionally, justify logically, and then tell themselves it was rational all along.
That’s not a flaw. It’s how humans work. If you doubt that, just remember the last time you panic-bought concert tickets (that’s not just me, right?).
We like to believe we’re running a calm, spreadsheet-driven decision process. In reality, our brains are taking shortcuts:
- Does this feel familiar?
- Does this feel risky?
- Have people like me done this before?
- What might I lose if this goes badly?
Ethical persuasion respects this reality. It doesn’t exploit it, but it doesn’t ignore it, either.
When you take things like cognitive load, loss aversion, social cues, and the need for consistency into account, influence stops feeling mysterious. You can see why conversations succeed or fail, and adjust accordingly.
Keen to learn more? If you’re interested in just how quickly people form impressions, Perceptions of Trustworthiness in 33 Milliseconds makes for a fascinating (and slightly terrifying) read.
Influence without pressure
Real influence isn’t about squeezing a ‘yes’ out of somebody like the last bit of toothpaste.
It’s about helping them feel comfortable saying yes for the right reasons.
That’s why ethical persuasion:
- Reduces friction rather than creating urgency
- Builds trust instead of leaning on authority
- Preserves relationships while still moving things forward
- Leaves the other person feeling respected, not handled
If persuasion feels pushy, something’s already gone wrong. And you don’t want to be that person.
Practically, this often looks like:
- Being clear on the decision and timeframe, without drama
- Naming the real trade-offs, not glossing over them
- Creating space for questions and objections, rather than treating them as disloyalty
- Being okay with a well-considered ‘no’
You won’t win every decision. But you will win something more important: credibility. And that makes future conversations so much easier.
What ethical influence looks like in leadership
You see this everywhere:
- Stakeholders saying yes without a minimum of 14 follow-ups
- Navigating difficult conversations without damaging trust
- Proposals people actually understand
- Saying ‘no’ clearly, without hostility
- Organisational change without mutiny vibes
It’s not flashy. It’s effective.
And once you see it, you can’t unsee where it’s missing.
Sometimes, ethical influence is as simple as:
- Taking an extra five minutes to frame the decision properly
- Acknowledging someone’s concern before you counter it
- Showing how others like them have made a similar choice and survived just fine
And most of the time, simplicity is the way to go.
Persuasion is based on science, and it can be learned
Here’s the fun part: persuasion is predictable.
It’s based on science so it can be taught and learnt.
When leaders learn ethical influence, conversations move faster, decisions become clearer, and resistance drops. Instead of relying on instinct and charisma, you’re working with structured principles you can repeat, refine, and coach others in.
Nobody feels pushed or tricked. And yet, more of the right decisions get made, more often.
Which is exactly how it should be.
If you want to learn more about how behavioural science and persuasion work together, How to Get the Desired Behaviour is a great little blog (if I do say so myself).
A practical place to start
If you want a simple way to pressure-test your own influence before a conversation (without overthinking it), I designed the Ethical Persuasion Checklist to help.
It’s a clear, five-step framework proven to reduce the urge to panic-sell your idea.
Clarity first. Dignity always. Pressure: not invited.